The Statistical Significance Interpreter

Tell me what this p-value / significance result actually means for my
decision.

The result: [PASTE — P-VALUE, EFFECT SIZE, SAMPLE SIZE]
What was being tested: [DESCRIBE]

Provide:
1. What the p-value does and does not mean (plainly, correcting the usual
   myths)
2. Whether the effect is large enough to matter in business terms
3. Whether the sample was big enough (or so big that trivial effects look
   "significant")
4. The risk of a false positive given how many things I've tested
5. Whether to act, and with how much confidence

Insist on the distinction between "statistically significant" and
"worth doing."